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Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Eiffel Tower's Unexpected Demise

Late last night, the French Government announced its plan to take apart the Eiffel Tower piece by piece in order to use it to help build a dam about one mile north of Paris. The dam will create a reservoir that is estimated to flood between 42.4597% and 61.7442% of the city. The two chambers of the French Government have had wildly different reactions to the plan. The National Assembly sees 86% of members support the plan while 93% of Senators disapprove of the plan.
Every single airline that currently does flights to Paris has seen between 72.3672% and 94.0084% of future passengers cancel their flights to Paris while flights out of Paris have been completely booked in the 13 hours since the announcement.
The Serbian Government has expressed its concern for the project.
The dam will “look very pretty and is hoped to be able to attract more tourists than the Eiffel Tower ever could.” It will not produce energy as “the mechanics involved are complicated and expensive.” The French Government has invested just over $300 million (about 265,137,120.08 Euros) in a new lakeside resort to be put on the side of Lake Eiffel, the name for the lake that will be created after the completion of the dam.
The French capital will be moved to Piolenc, France a city of 5,000 about 100 miles south of Lyon.
Meanwhile many museums, companies, and institutions are relocating mostly to Orange, France a city of 30,000. Piolenc is a suburb of Orange. The Louvre is the notable exception to this rule as it is moving to Tijuana, Mexico.
Meanwhile, in Piolenc, the citizens of the city have seen a boom in demand for building. The city has passed an initiative promoting a 317.6278% increase in the number of slaughterhouses within the city.
Meanwhile the citizens of cities like Marsielle, Lyon, Toulouse, Nice, Strasbourg, Nantes, and Bordeaux are scratching their heads as to why they were never even considered for the spot of the new French capital. As a matter of fact, every single member of the National Assembly and Senate voted that if the French capital moved, it had to be moved to Piolenc and they all refused to hear otherwise.
A poll of between 7,488 and 12,776 French citizens (exact numbers haven’t been released yet) found that between 94.3380% and 99.0778% of them (exact statistic has not been released yet) disapprove of the shift. Another worldwide poll that claims to have interviewed at least 10,445.3 people from each country found that at least 89.9954% of people in every country, except for Peru, disapprove of the annihilation of the Eiffel Tower. In Peru, however, 94.9012% of people surveyed voiced their complete approval of the plan.
Former president George W. Bush has declared that the destruction of the Eiffel Tower means that we need to attack Australia because it is “stockpiling weapons of mass destruction.” Donald Trump has declared that Australia needs to be subdued so that he can win the vote of the Australians that flee to the parts of Canada that he wishes the U. S. to occupy. Dick Cheney, from an undisclosed location, has agreed.
Will the French Government go through on its plan to dismantle the Eiffel Tower? Will the U. S. attack Australia? Will Disney turn Star Wars VII into a musical? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Papal States on the Rise Again?

Pope Francis the First has taken a bold step today by enacting an immigration policy in direct defiance with centuries of tradition in Vatican City. Up until now, the only way to become a citizen of the country was to be appointed one by the pope. Once the law takes effect on January, 1st 2018, any Catholic citizen will be able to move into the country.
          The reason for the date upon which people will be able to move into the Vatican being so far off, is that housing has to be made more readily available for larger populations. It has come to the pope’s attention that the Sistine Chapel has room for multiple floors of apartments in it, so the chapel will remain a chapel on the bottom floor, while two floors of apartments will be added on top of that. The curvature of the ceiling, the pope concluded, will allow for an attic that will be used to store communion wine. Saint Peter’s Basilica will be turned into another apartment building, with the dome being used to store communion bread, as well as housing a new company known as Vatican City Candles TM that will be the largest candlestick factory in the world.
          Saint Peter’s Square is also scheduled to become a business center home to the largest Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, Peruvian, French, English, Mongolian, Armenian, Italian, Indian, Turkish, Swedish, Russian, Sudanese, South Sudanese, Ukrainian, Polish, Greek, Egyptian, Brazilian, Argentinian, Iranian, North Korean, Israeli, Finnish, Belgian, German, Spanish, Syrian, Australian, Ethiopian, Libyan, Chilean, Tanzanian, Norwegian, Icelandic, Irish, Bosnian, Montenegrin, Albanian, Estonian, Moroccan, Vietnamese, Uzbekistani, Zambian, Tunisian, South African, Sri Lankan, Namibian, and Jordanian restaurants in the world. It will also have Vatican City Candlesticks TM, the second largest candlestick factory in the world. The “pesky obelisk” in the center of the square will be blown up.
          Kim Jong-Un has voiced his disapproval for the plan and has decided to invade Rwanda.
          The pope has also formed strong diplomatic relations with Angola and is going to be heading to Luanda, its capital, tomorrow in order to attempt to strike up a trade alliance with the country. In response to this new trade alliance, North Korea redeployed troops from Rwanda to Djibouti, occupying them as well. The pope (and every other country in the world except Bhutan) has denounced these actions and a coalition led by Slovenia is planning to reoccupy Djibouti and Rwanda. The two countries will then be combined into one called The Free State of Djibouti and Rwanda.

          The pope’s new radical reforms have led to some negative responses from the Catholic Church, and especially, the Cardinals. Of the 220 Cardinals, 56 have retired and converted to Buddhism. Another 14 of the Cardinals have moved to New Zealand, meaning that only 150 of the Cardinals remain. The bigger question, however, is whether or not these new reforms will be upheld when a new pope is elected.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Misleading Names Part One: Kansas City, Misery Missouri

Misleading Names Part One: Kansas City, Misery Missouri

          Dear City of Kansas City, Misery Missouri

          I recently visited your city. I noticed that the Misery Missouri River runs through your settlement. It is really nice. However, I noticed that while your city is called Kansas City, it is in Misery Missouri. This is misleading to all Americans and needs to be changed now.
          Why would you even choose to name a city after the state of Kansas, anyway?
          I feel that you have three choices. You could cede your city to Kansas, physically move the city into Kansas, or change its name.
          Becoming a part of Kansas would allow you to merge with the Kansas City there, completely clearing up the confusion among the citizens of Our Great Nation. Plus Misery Missouri wouldn’t be able to complain, because you would be a part of Kansas.
          Similarly, you could vacate the city itself on the Misery Missouri side and move all your citizens to Kansas City, Kansas. This, too, is a simple way to solve your dire problem.
          Before you consider either of the steps listed above, I encourage you to decide which state you find less pleasant, Kansas, or Misery Missouri.
          You could also change the name of your city. Unfortunately, there is already a Misery Missouri City in the state of Misery Missouri. Too bad. Instead, you could rename your city, Misery City, City, Settlement, Town, Misery Missouri Settlement, Misery Missouri Town, That City in Misery Missouri, That Settlement in Misery Missouri, or That Town in Misery Missouri. This, too would fix your problem, and help America.
          As you can see, there are many ways that you can solve this pressing issue. Your city’s name is a mistake, but it can be fixed. The sooner you solve your problem, the less time the citizens of Our Great Nation will have to spend in utter confusion over this incredibly pressing issue.

          God Bless America,


                   Stephen B. Thompson

Saturday, September 5, 2015

A War With Canada

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       The United States of America has sent an ultimatum to Canada demanding that Canada cedes Prince Edward Island to the United States by 11:59 EST by the 11th of September, 2015.
          In response to the ultimatum, India, Ireland, Iceland, the United Kingdom, Portugal, Spain, Andorra, France, Belgium, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Germany, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Poland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Belarus, Ukraine, Moldova, Romania, Hungary, Austria, Lichtenstein, Slovenia, Croatia, Serbia, Kosovo, Montenegro, Albania, Macedonia, Italy, Monaco, Bulgaria, Greece, Turkey, Mexico, the Bahamas, Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Belize, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Panama, Columbia, Venezuela, Guyana, Suriname, Peru, Brazil, Bolivia, Paraguay, Uruguay, Chile, the Russian Separatists in Crimea, the Western Saharan rebels, Algeria, Egypt, Nigeria, South Sudan, Ethiopia, Angola, South Africa, Lesotho, Israel, Azerbaijan, Armenia, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Mongolia, Laos, the Philippines, Papua New Guinea, Japan, South Korea, New Zealand, Australia, and Switzerland have offered aid to Canada should the United States attempt to annex Prince Edward Island. Morocco withdrew its offer to support Canada when the Canadian Government accepted aid from the Western Saharan rebels. Bangladesh and Bhutan have allied themselves with the United States. Argentina decided to remain neutral due to the fact that it is secretly concentrating on occupying the Falkland Islands, and Ecuador claims that it is busy trying to convince the European Union to allow it to switch to the Euro.
          Switzerland instated a military draft earlier today, and began production of 15 nuclear bombs. It sent an ultimatum to the United States demanding that the country withdraw its claim to Prince Edward Island and relinquish control of the Dakotas to Switzerland. The United Nations quickly convinced the Swiss Government to withdraw its request for the Dakotas by pulling up Google Images and showing the Swiss Government pictures of the states. Upon hearing that the Swiss Government had dropped its claim to the Dakotas, the locals scheduled a referendum on whether or not to become a Swiss territory, or not. Recent polls show a 96.3% approval rate for joining Switzerland. Further negotiation is necessary to convince the Swiss to halt their production of nuclear bombs, though it is expected that the United Nations will manage to strike a deal with the Swiss eventually.    
          Donald Trump, a 2016 nominee for president on the Republican ticket, has stepped in in full favor of the invasion of Canada saying that “The Canadians are a ticking time bomb, if they aren’t subdued soon, they will become a superpower and take over our beautiful country. We shouldn’t stop at Prince Edward Island either,” he continued, “We should annex Quebec, New Brunswick, Newfoundland, and British Columbia too so that they will never have a chance to become a threat to U. S. power again.” Trump later remarked that he expected to win the Canadian vote in the next presidential election.
The North Korean Government has taken the opportunity to declare war on Mozambique and Zimbabwe. Meanwhile, the Federated States of Micronesia has invaded Chad and the British Antarctic Territory declared its independence from the United Kingdom before unanimously voting to join Uzbekistan.
           One thing is for certain. Our world’s borders are bound to look very different, very soon.