The Eiffel Tower's Unexpected Demise

Late last night, the French Government announced its plan to take apart the Eiffel Tower piece by piece in order to use it to help build a dam about one mile north of Paris. The dam will create a reservoir that is estimated to flood between 42.4597% and 61.7442% of the city. The two chambers of the French Government have had wildly different reactions to the plan. The National Assembly sees 86% of members support the plan while 93% of Senators disapprove of the plan.
Every single airline that currently does flights to Paris has seen between 72.3672% and 94.0084% of future passengers cancel their flights to Paris while flights out of Paris have been completely booked in the 13 hours since the announcement.
The Serbian Government has expressed its concern for the project.
The dam will “look very pretty and is hoped to be able to attract more tourists than the Eiffel Tower ever could.” It will not produce energy as “the mechanics involved are complicated and expensive.” The French Government has invested just over $300 million (about 265,137,120.08 Euros) in a new lakeside resort to be put on the side of Lake Eiffel, the name for the lake that will be created after the completion of the dam.
The French capital will be moved to Piolenc, France a city of 5,000 about 100 miles south of Lyon.
Meanwhile many museums, companies, and institutions are relocating mostly to Orange, France a city of 30,000. Piolenc is a suburb of Orange. The Louvre is the notable exception to this rule as it is moving to Tijuana, Mexico.
Meanwhile, in Piolenc, the citizens of the city have seen a boom in demand for building. The city has passed an initiative promoting a 317.6278% increase in the number of slaughterhouses within the city.
Meanwhile the citizens of cities like Marsielle, Lyon, Toulouse, Nice, Strasbourg, Nantes, and Bordeaux are scratching their heads as to why they were never even considered for the spot of the new French capital. As a matter of fact, every single member of the National Assembly and Senate voted that if the French capital moved, it had to be moved to Piolenc and they all refused to hear otherwise.
A poll of between 7,488 and 12,776 French citizens (exact numbers haven’t been released yet) found that between 94.3380% and 99.0778% of them (exact statistic has not been released yet) disapprove of the shift. Another worldwide poll that claims to have interviewed at least 10,445.3 people from each country found that at least 89.9954% of people in every country, except for Peru, disapprove of the annihilation of the Eiffel Tower. In Peru, however, 94.9012% of people surveyed voiced their complete approval of the plan.
Former president George W. Bush has declared that the destruction of the Eiffel Tower means that we need to attack Australia because it is “stockpiling weapons of mass destruction.” Donald Trump has declared that Australia needs to be subdued so that he can win the vote of the Australians that flee to the parts of Canada that he wishes the U. S. to occupy. Dick Cheney, from an undisclosed location, has agreed.
Will the French Government go through on its plan to dismantle the Eiffel Tower? Will the U. S. attack Australia? Will Disney turn Star Wars VII into a musical? We’ll just have to wait and see.